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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

When the World Spins Out of Control

Dear  Readers,

My sincere apology for my long absence. What I am going to share today is very personal and I hope you will all treat it with sensitivity and kindness.

I have battled with eating disorders and poor self esteem/body image for as long as I can remember and about 4 weeks ago my world came crashing down. My long term boyfriend and I have been going through a rough patch (this will probably end up being it's own post later) and due to the stress I lost 20 pounds. Now, let me paint this image for you. I'm small, about 5 foot 4 inches on a good day and I weighed at the time about 95 pounds. So I didn't have 20 pounds to lose. I had made the decision to stay with some friends and made it there safely, but about an hour later I shut down, completely exhausted, dehydrated and at that point malnourished.

It has taken me 4 weeks to put on 12 pounds and I'm struggling to get over the "90 pound hump"...supposedly the "100 pound hump" will be even harder, but I'm trying to focus on the today and not what may be in the future. It's a long, uphill battle but one that will be worth it. I have spent years being called "mouse-y", "skinny mini", and "waif" along with a slew of other comments made unfortunately by the people I loved and trusted the most. I find my self saddened that I let those people define who I am, what I look like and what I think of myself, because I am truly beautiful, unique and worth something. It has taken me this long, but I'm happy to say I can now look in the mirror and see a young woman who is strong enough to admit she needs help and is in recovery.

Anyways, that's where I have been and this is what I have planned for the near future:
*earning my teacher's degree (with a focus on early childhood psychology and development)
*earning my Waldorf early childhood teacher's certificate
*Moving!
*starting a playschool?
*Learning to cook from scratch (I've heard this can be really helpful for those recovering from eating disorders)
*Learning to be more crafty (sewing, felting, knitting and painting are on the top of my list)
*Learning to play an instrument (maybe guitar?)
*cleaning and organizing my home (ah spring cleaning...)
*paying off debt and living debt free (nothing comes cheap these days)
*working to understand, accept and love myself and my partner

So this is probably what I'll be posting about for the next few weeks/months, unless I get inspired and my writer's heart takes off down another path :)

In Love and Light,
Audrey

PS. While I am open to questions about my personal life, please keep in mind that it is just that, personal...so please phrase your questions and comments with care <3

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